Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Malleable beings

It has been too long since I last wrote on this space. I've since started to use Dayre more frequently now, it's a place for where you can slot your most disjointed of thoughts, little pockets of time into. I suppose it's almost equivalent to being my online diary, except that it is not as carefully curated and put together as the posts on this blog are. I still get the impression however that my Dayre is more frequently visited compared to my blog now, and for that reason I am coming back here for some respite.

It is the 17th November.

The later half of the year was accelerated by the start of our university term and the events which flank this stretch of time. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it must have been that of a life-changing experience because I found myself being utterly disappointed upon discovering that the start is actually a rather lonesome journey. To be fair I've barely trodden through my first semester, but so far I've not changed much at all in personality. Perhaps things will change to a greater degree later, I really don't know. For now however, I'm grateful that each day I can look forward to coming home, if anything, it is still my place of comfort.

I've had to make many decisions this year, I have never questioned myself this much before. Am I doing the right thing, am I being rational, am I following my heart, am I acting on my gut feelings?

On listening to my head, heart, gut feelings, everything.
Deciding between doing communications and nursing was in truth a really easy decision, it was only a matter of whether or not I had to courage to go against the rather... ill stereotype associated with that. "Ohh........did not expect that" or "Huh? Why!" were some very common reactions haha. And well the difference when you say that you intend to do communications - you are held in slightly higher esteem? "Oh cool, it suits you" It's a little upsetting thinking that the impression that came with choosing this course was having no other option. Definitely a wrong impression to have, having been among some pretty extraordinary people.

Someone did tell me to go ahead and "chase my dream", but the truth is, it was never my dream to begin with. I guess you just meander about different circumstances and eventually they lead you somewhere. I think I'll leave that story to some other time, it's a rather long story. What's important now is that I'm contented with where I am.

On following my gut feelings, though my head says no
So I learnt that you can very well be deceived and led astray by your own feelings, when you act in an injudicious, fleeting moment. I think it was only a matter of time before I would make this realisation myself, and they say it yields the most when you learn it the hard way. So amidst my own confusion and trying to find all the right reasons to justify what I was doing, I disregarded the reality of the situation and its implications - it was selfish on my part I would admit.

And then came the hard part of extricating yourself from this mess. It was like walking into a nice forest; greenery and flora in abundance, sunbeams dancing on the earth. You try to look out for more signs of life, a semblance of whether or not you should carry on walking, continue staying on. You trod on, only to realise that it was getting darker and wetter, the land becoming more barren. And that is when you start walking back out. It felt incredibly individualistic of me; the problem is that I'm so used to turning away from people I just could not connect with, I wasn't sure how to do it appropriately or nicely. The matter itself does not upset me any longer, but I am just a lot more conscious about how cold I may seem to unfamiliar people.

Nothing wrong with perpetually being in need of that, but I've been trying to force myself out of it. But I'm starting to find that it has a recoil effect and I keep retreating back into myself. I've more or less accepted that that's just the way things will probably remain for a long time.

Friends who've seen you through your embarrassing/morphing times.
Friends who you can always find when you wind up alone.

Idealism and hope
Variety shows, comedies and romantic comedies make me so ridiculously happy, I turn to them when I'm feeling like there is nothing else to look forward to. And they've filled a significant part of my free time so far. And yes I am aware that these are carefully scripted, but there's nothing like feeling that such beauty could possibly exist and even the most hopeless of people fulfill their hearts.

Spite and grudges
It is just not worth it. Case in point: feuding relatives. We should all just let live, as if life isn't short enough.

I shall end off here, till next time.

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