Monday, 2 May 2016

A thorn, an acquiescent

It's the month of May, the month of summer vacations and the start of hopefully, a convalescent and productive few months. April was full of perils and it was a really turbulent period, simply because for some amount of time (as evidenced by my sporadic posts below!), I was frantically trying to keep my head up while drowning in assignments and work. I kept recalling the earlier parts of the semester which were happier times, filled with so much positive energy and hope in general. It made me upset that I allowed myself to falter so early and this constant self-directed chastisement was more of a bane that made matters worst. But I suppose these bad times which are though not enduring, are meant to stay with you through. “You start with a darkness to move through but sometimes the darkness moves through you.”

But as Jason Mraz croons, "The absence of the light is a necessary part"

It's funny how every time I write here, it's due to a discovery of sorts - more often than not about myself and others, occasionally about the most arbitrary of things, very often as well, just a visual collection of days and weeks and months even. I get consumed by my shortcomings fairly easily and I've come to realize that I lack the confidence that I so long to have. And if I can't love myself, how do I expect to give it to the people around me?

And so, I am now on a mission. To love myself more: to give myself credit for the little things that wind up as an oversight because of my fixation on a larger prospective which is simply an ideal that may or may not transpire. To slow down, appreciate and dwell on the beauty of the time. To stop retreating to the excuse that "but it's really just who I am" because who exactly am I anyway? The self is an image of who you think you could be. 

And perhaps thinking that the right things happen at the right time, that everything falls into place eventually would turn out to be just a lofty illusory, that is holding me back rather than giving me a sense of assurance. I'm on a mission too, to be a more unreserved and unconditional person, because I know that I am capable of giving so much more. 

In other news, this marks the end of my freshman year, even though it would be six weeks of clinical attachments later that our summer vacations would officially kick in. It has otherwise been a rather uneventful semester, save for more growth and commitments. 

The Performance Series 10k across Punggol Waterway Park and Coney Island yesterday with Shiyin! We signed up for it a mere month ago without any prior training so in the following weeks we would meet up on Monday evenings after school to run around NUS, which gets really tortuous by the time we reach the sloping hills my goodness. But considering that this is twice the distance we're used to running on our own, it's an achievement :) The place was really beautiful, and it helped that we were running in unfamiliar terrain, I loved it because I could marvel at the place and I never got bored of it. We returned back to my place after that and napped for an intense six hours. I've never had such a deep, worry-less nap for a really long time. 

The shirts were in a horrendous neon orange, but well it was a really good experience nonetheless. 

And new hair colour - ashy nude brown though I really don't see the ashy tones?? But I hope it will grow onto me eventually :) I particularly like this feeling of wholeness and peace I'm feeling at the moment. 

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